April 13, 2012
Tonight is really the night before day 1. Today was awful as I knew it would be. I can't resist that damn tater tot casserole or muffins and I gorged on both. But, that was then and this is now.
Goal for tomorrow: No snacks...nothing
Tonight, during Facetime, Amelia kept asking for Pete. It's been six weeks and I still miss him, but I feel like he's slipping away from me. How I wish that I had a video of him. There are some pictures on the computer in the basement. I need to have one or two printed. I keep seeing his sad little eyes looking at me on that last day. I know it would be a horrific memory, but how I wish I had held him as he died. It would have been awful to feel his life leave him, but he wouldn't have been in the arms of strangers, if that's even how it happened. Right now, it has just occurred to me that I honestly don't know how it happened. Will I ever find the courage to ask? I think so...it's another thing I need to know. I need to know that someone loving was holding him as he died. God, I hate saying that word. I think, in my heart, I've been thinking that, one day, I would come home and he would be here. Who knew a scrungy little mutt would come to mean so much to me? I don't think I will ever forget him.
I'm so sorry to hear about your tough day and the loss of Pete. It's completely understandable to miss him deeply and to feel a mix of emotions about his passing. It sounds like he meant a lot to you, and it's natural to want to know more about his final moments. Remembering him with love and cherishing the memories you shared can bring comfort during this difficult time. Take care of yourself.
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