April 13, 2012
Tonight is really the night before day 1. Today was awful as I knew it would be. I can't resist that damn tater tot casserole or muffins and I gorged on both. But, that was then and this is now.
Goal for tomorrow: No snacks...nothing
Tonight, during Facetime, Amelia kept asking for Pete. It's been six weeks and I still miss him, but I feel like he's slipping away from me. How I wish that I had a video of him. There are some pictures on the computer in the basement. I need to have one or two printed. I keep seeing his sad little eyes looking at me on that last day. I know it would be a horrific memory, but how I wish I had held him as he died. It would have been awful to feel his life leave him, but he wouldn't have been in the arms of strangers, if that's even how it happened. Right now, it has just occurred to me that I honestly don't know how it happened. Will I ever find the courage to ask? I think so...it's another thing I need to know. I need to know that someone loving was holding him as he died. God, I hate saying that word. I think, in my heart, I've been thinking that, one day, I would come home and he would be here. Who knew a scrungy little mutt would come to mean so much to me? I don't think I will ever forget him.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Evening before Day 1
April 12, 2012
I'm really hoping this blog will help me lose weight, feel better, and gain some perspective. It's not going to be particularly well-written...more stream of conscious kind of thing.
So, here's the thing. I'm out of control when it comes to eating. I am back to binging on a huge level. While that was always a bad thing when I was younger, now, the spectre of diabetes looms with every extra ounce and there are lots of extra ounces. I know that I'm eating to punish myself and I know that I'm eating from stress. If I know these things, why don't I do something about them? My answer is this blog. I'm going to try to write every evening. Sum up the day; take out my frustrations here; and, hopefully, drop some pounds.
One of the stressors in my life is school. That all comes to an end 6 weeks from today. I don't think I've quite accepted the fact that, come May 24th, my life as an educator is over. I know it's not really over, but, as a professionally PAID teacher, I'm done. Right now, I feel nothing...absolutely nothing...no sadness, no gladness...just nothing. I'm sure that will change because the reality hasn't really hit me. I do honestly believe the reason I lost 20 pounds when I had my foot reconstructed wasn't due to depression; it was due to honest-to-goodness gladness that I wasn't at school dealing with all of the crap going on there.
Second stressor, as always, is debt. I have got to get out from under it. I know that within the last 12 months, I have paid down that debt in a huge way, but I also know Mike would probably divorce me if he knew anything at all about it. So, what am I going to do...pay off the mbna because it has that transfer on it...pay off the Talbots because the percentage rate is exorbitant and make minimum payments on everything else so that Mike doesn't suspect...there, second stressor somewhat addressed.
Third stressor is Pete...Pete deserves his own day...
So, here we are at the end of the first day of blogging. It's called the evening before Day 1 because tomorrow is the first day of my new healthy eating. So, here's my goal...no snacks in the morning...oh, shit...tomorrow is our turn for breakfast...OK...change in plans because there's no sense in setting a goal I'm not going to even attempt to honestly meet...Saturday will be Day 1 so this is technically the day before the day before day 1...my goal tomorrow will be to minimize snacking!
Here's to a new blog (since I forgot the name of my old one) and a new life!
I'm really hoping this blog will help me lose weight, feel better, and gain some perspective. It's not going to be particularly well-written...more stream of conscious kind of thing.
So, here's the thing. I'm out of control when it comes to eating. I am back to binging on a huge level. While that was always a bad thing when I was younger, now, the spectre of diabetes looms with every extra ounce and there are lots of extra ounces. I know that I'm eating to punish myself and I know that I'm eating from stress. If I know these things, why don't I do something about them? My answer is this blog. I'm going to try to write every evening. Sum up the day; take out my frustrations here; and, hopefully, drop some pounds.
One of the stressors in my life is school. That all comes to an end 6 weeks from today. I don't think I've quite accepted the fact that, come May 24th, my life as an educator is over. I know it's not really over, but, as a professionally PAID teacher, I'm done. Right now, I feel nothing...absolutely nothing...no sadness, no gladness...just nothing. I'm sure that will change because the reality hasn't really hit me. I do honestly believe the reason I lost 20 pounds when I had my foot reconstructed wasn't due to depression; it was due to honest-to-goodness gladness that I wasn't at school dealing with all of the crap going on there.
Second stressor, as always, is debt. I have got to get out from under it. I know that within the last 12 months, I have paid down that debt in a huge way, but I also know Mike would probably divorce me if he knew anything at all about it. So, what am I going to do...pay off the mbna because it has that transfer on it...pay off the Talbots because the percentage rate is exorbitant and make minimum payments on everything else so that Mike doesn't suspect...there, second stressor somewhat addressed.
Third stressor is Pete...Pete deserves his own day...
So, here we are at the end of the first day of blogging. It's called the evening before Day 1 because tomorrow is the first day of my new healthy eating. So, here's my goal...no snacks in the morning...oh, shit...tomorrow is our turn for breakfast...OK...change in plans because there's no sense in setting a goal I'm not going to even attempt to honestly meet...Saturday will be Day 1 so this is technically the day before the day before day 1...my goal tomorrow will be to minimize snacking!
Here's to a new blog (since I forgot the name of my old one) and a new life!
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